lgota star on my carand one on my chest
A gun on myhip and the right to arrest
I'm a guy who's the boss on this highway
So watch out whatyou're doin' when you're drivin'my way
lfyou break the law, you'll hearfrom me, lknow
I'm workin'for the state, I'm the highwaypatrol
Well, you'll knowme when you see me cos my door's painted white
My siren a-screamin' and myflashin'redlight
I work all dayandl work all night
Just to keep the lawand order, tryin' to do what's right
lfl write you outa ticket, then you'dbetter drive slow
I'mjusta-doin'myjob, I'm the highwaypatrol
I'm the highwaypatrol, the highwaypatrol
My hours are long andmypayis low
Butl'll do mybest to keep you drivin'slow
I'mjusta-doin'myjob, I'm the highwaypatrol
Meet Charlie. Helpful dad, upstanding citizen,
and an 18-year veteran ofthe greatest law enforcementagencyin the land:
the Rhode lsland State Police.
That's Charlie's home. Modest, like the man.
Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn'tmuch ofa swimmer,
which will come into play a little laterin ourstory.
But I'm getting wayahead ofmyself.
You know, maybe it's best if wejustgo back andbegin at the beginning.
As a young man, Charlie had the worldbyits bootstraps.
He was the bestyoung trooper on the force,
and was dating the prettiestandsmartestgalin town.
Her name was Layla...justlike the melody.
Charlie,
you've no idea how much I love you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, will you stay with me no matter what?
Of course, Charlie.
What if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home
and had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life? Would you still stay with me?
Yeah, I'd stay.
But I hope that never happens.
Yeah, me too.
Well, byspringtime theyhadmade it official.
Boy, letme tell you, that was some wedding.
It was presided over by FatherKen Gumbert,
and halfofthe Rhode lsland State Police Force was in attendance.
- Congratulations, Charlie. - Thank you, Captain.
All right!
Letook what I got!
Here you go.
Excuse me, do you people take checks?
Say that again. Do "we people" take checks? You mean a black man?
No, no, no, no! God, no. Your company.
Don't give me that bullshit! That was a racist slur.
- No, it wasn't. I would never... - Tell you what, I'll make it easy for you.
Why don't you just pay me in cotton or a cartload ofwatermelons?
Or how's about some fried chicken cos you know how black people love fried chicken!
- Hey, no, come on now. - What's going on?
This cat don't believe a nigger knows how to cash a check! Ain't that 'bout a bitch?
Charlie, I don't wanna ever hear you use the n-word in this house.
What! I never said anything remotely racist!
- Oh, so it's a "little people" thing, then. - No!
You thinkjust cos I'm small you can push me around? Well, come on, let's boogie.
I'm gonna give you a little lesson in low centre of gravity.
Stop it! Cut it... Stop it now. Sir!
Don't patronise me with that "Sir" crap!
Hey, those are illegal. Stop.
Oh, it's on now. It's on!
- Charlie, don't hit him! - Me?
Charlie! Stop it! Charlie, stop it!
Letet me handle this. Stop it!
Excuse me, Mr Jackson...
Stop it! Wait. What is your first name?
It's Shonté.
Shonté, I am so, so sorry. I apologise.
Come on here. Letet me walk you to your car.
I have no patience for people who judge books by their cover.
And you shouldn't have to!
Treating me like a dumbshit! I mean, who does he think he's talking to?
I'm a professor of molecular genetics at Brown.
And I'm head ofthe Boston chapter of Mensa.
- You're kidding? - No.
I'm just driving this limo as a sociological experiment. That's it.
But Mensa? I'm president ofthe Providence chapter.
No kidding.
Just when Charlie thought life couldn'tgetanysweeter,
old Mr Stork droppedin to payhim andLayla a visit.
It's a boy!
Oh boy, oy, oy.
Wow!
He's so...
Wow!
Whoa, you're in luck!
He's got company!
Push! Push!
Charlie loved those boys so much, hejust couldn'tface the truth.
And so he went on with his life as ifeverything was normal.
Hey, Finneran.
Hey, buddy.
- Hope you brought your appetite with you. - Oh, I did.
- Charlie, your kids look great. - Yeah, don't they? Thanks.
Charlie,
just between you and me, d'you ever notice that your kids have a year-round tan?
Yeah, well...
- My great-grandmother's half-ltalian. - Half-ltalian?
Well, that's probably why the water beads offthe hair, huh?
Yeah, so? I mean, a lot of people have different kind of hair.
What are you getting at?
Well, no, I'm just saying it's...
Come on, goddamn it! Those kids' dicks are bigger than them sausages!
Knock it off! You're talking about my children.
- Since you brought it up, I wanna ask... - Finneran!
Get over here. It's your turn.
Charlie...
Don't mind me. It's just the beer talking, you know?
Sure.
There's something powerful bubbling up inside me, Father.
And I'm afraid that some day,
if I don't do something, I'm gonna explode.
Where does this rage come from, my son?
I don't know. It's a lot ofthings, really.
Take my wife, for example.
I love her like no other, but...
part of me suspects that she may be having an affair.
And I'm probably just being paranoid here, but...
I get the feeling that the entire town is laughing at me behind my back.
Charlie, that you?
Eventually, Charlie's worstfears were realised.
I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Really, I am.
But I have to do this.
I found my soul mate.
But...
I thought I was your soul mate.
Come on, legs! Letet's roll, baby.
I don't know what to say.
I guess the heartjust wants what the heart wants.
Bye, Charlie.
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free willy.
It's funnyhowa man reacts when his heartgets broken.
Some break down and crylike a baby.
Others, they take outan Uzi and climb a clock tower.
But Charlie Baileygates didn't seem to reactatall.
Hejustswallowedhard, felt thatslab of heartache slide over the lump in his throat
and he lockeditall away.
As you can imagine, it wasn't easyfor little Jamaal, Lee Harveyand Shonté Junior
growing up withouta mom.
But Charlie made thatlittle house into a big oldhome,
and the boys flourished.
Let me tell you, they were smart ones.
- What are you building, fellas? - An airplane, Daddy.
Bye-bye!
Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work.
Letove you, Daddy!
No! Hey, stop it!
Get... Jamaal, you're in a lot oftrouble!
Get offthat! Don't you take off in that!
Howmanyseas musta white...
Shonté Junior, how can you keep eating that crap and never gain weight?
I don't know. Just lucky, I guess.
- Howmany times must the cannonball fly - Do you believe his voice?
- That's Gomer Pyle! - Before they're foreverbanned?
Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor on HBO?
Richard Pryor?
Please.
Okay.
In Africa, though, I go outin the country.
You see some lions andshit. I'm talkin'aboutreallions.
Not them kindyou be fuckin' with in the zoo.
You knowhowyou go fuck with a lion? "Hey, lion!Motherfucker!"
Be throwin'shitatit. Lion'dbe "Oh, ooh".
As theyhave a way ofdoing, the years passedsomewhatregularly.
And the boys, well, they came into their own.
..is make her toss mysalad!
The guy's like "Toss mysalad? What's that?"
Having yoursalad tossedmeans having your asshole eaten out withjelly orsyrup.
I prefersyrup.
He's a funny motherfucker!
Although Charlie's police work had started to suffer, the kids were doing great.
Damn! I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron.
Shit. Man, that shit's simple. Letookit.
- Tell me this, tell me this. - What?
What's a deuteron made up of?
Duh! A proton and a neutron.
Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doin' right there?
- Shit, I don't know. - Well, get it out ofthere then!
OK, so you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses ofthe proton and the neutron, right?
I sees that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I put it here?
Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfuckin' grave if he heard that.
He'd just turn over ass up in yo' face.
- Man, Jamaal. Just cut my man some slack. - I'm just trying to help him save face.
He keep askin' questions, they'll think he's stupid.
- I ain't stupid. - Mornin', fellas.
Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
- What's all the commotion? - Oh, just school shit and shit.
- How's my little guy doing? - Struggling.
Quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'll get myself another B+.
Oh, that'd be whack.
He's so fucking dumb, he thinks calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Give it up, dawg.
Well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste.
Oh, I gotta get out of here. I don't wanna have to bust a cap.
Kisses.
Mwah, Daddy.
- See ya later. - Letove ya.
Yeah, Charlie was getting a lot ofrespectinside the house.
But outside... Well, that was anotherstory.
Mornin', Ed.
Charlie.
Ed, did you see where my paper went today?
The wife's got it in the shitter.
Well, could you tell her to throw it on the porch when she's done?
Can't you get one at work?
Yeah...
I suppose I could.
You betcha.
I'dlike that
lfwe could cycle down some lane
I'dlike that
lfwe couldride into the rain
No macs, getting wet
I'dbe yourAlbert
lfyou'dbe Victoria
Ha-ha, we'dlaugh because each drop wouldmake me
Grow up really high, really high
Like a really high thing, saya sunflower...
- Hey, George, Herb. - Hi, Charlie.
- How do, fellas? - Hi, Charlie.
- Letisten, Dick... - Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one!
- Oh, yeah! That's what Daddy likes. - It looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.
- A couple of Hindenburgs, huh? - Oh, the humanity!
Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.
"She's a mom!"
- She's a mom. Not my mom. - She's a yummy mummy!
You kill me!
Sure, that is good.
Letisten, Dick, I'm sorry to bother you like this but...
your car is gonna have to be moved.
Yeah, sure, Charlie. OK. I should be done here in another 10 or 15 minutes.
I hate to be a stickler, Dick, but...
the law says you can't park in one place for over an hour, and you've been there for...
going on three days now.
All right, all right. The law's the law.
Park it up behind the grocery store, will ya, Charlie?
Yeah, sure.
This one?
There's an oldsaying: an ostrich with his headin the sandmakes a lousy cop.
You see, ifyou can't deal with your own problems, well, it's hard to deal with others.
Sweetie? That's kinda dangerous.
Wanna move it on to the sidewalk, away from traffic?
My dad says you're ajoke and I don't have to listen to you.
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion.
But I am an officer ofthe law, and, by all rights, I could...
Fuck off!
You should watch your mouth, little girl.
Excuse me. Charlie!
Hey! You mind if I get ahead ofyou? I'm in a wicked rush.
- Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. - You're a doll.
Hey, kids! Over here! Now!
Didn't I tell you to stay with me?
We're gonna rock you
VagiClean, huh?
What's the matter, honey? Letittle extra cheese on the taco?
- Excuse me? - No, excuse me.
There's no tag on this.
Price check on VagiClean, aisle five.
I repeat: price check on VagiClean,
aisle five. That's VagiClean.
We got a customer with a fallopian fungus. She's baking bread and I think it's sourdough.
Put a rush on that.
Hey, big guy. Did you hear the news?
My son Billy got the lead in the high-school musical.
Well, I guess he likes the cock after all.
- Still wanna skip rope in the street? - I'll tell my daddy, Charlie!
Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, fuckface.
Reciting memorisedlines
Andl'm notfit to touch
The hem ofyourgarment
No, no, I'm notfit to touch
The hem ofyourgarment
lhave no love but only goals
How very emptyis mysoul
ltis a soul that could easily kill
Andl'm notfit to touch...
There you go, Dick. I parked it for you.
By the way,
you got a headlight out.
That looks good.
- There you go, Colonel. - Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.
Colonel, something's wrong with Charlie.
- 1-X to 1-12. - 1-12 responding.
Of course, there's notmuch about this sort of thing in the Rhode lsland State Police manual.
So theysenthim up to Boston to see a team ofhighly trainedhead doctors.
They quickly identified the problem.
You got a major screw loose.
Doctors have diagnosed you as having a "split personality".
A schizo.
- I don't remember this. - That's because, according to that report,
it wasn't you that this was happening to. It was this other guy.
Hank.
- Said his name was Hank. - And apparently Hank is trying to get out.
Trying to get out? What do you mean "get out"? How did he get in?
- You created him. - By not dealing with your problems, Charlie.
Ever since...
Well, you know. You've been avoiding confrontation.
- But this guy inside. - Hank.
He doesn't. Doctors feel that you've created this character out of necessity.
You never stick up for yourself.
Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Letayla left?
Why would l?
You know, wives leave their husbands every day in this country.
That's no reason to short-change the department.
I mean, it's not like I had the flu...
Have you picked up your medication?
I'm really not crazy about it, though. It makes me so dry.
You have to take it anyway. Dr Rabinowitz assures us, ifyou do, everything'll be fine.
This is a bunch of crap!
No wonder you're the smallest state. Letittle mind, little state.
Shouldn't even be a state. Should be a district.
Can you take these goddamn things off?
And could you stop lookin' at my ass!
Pritchard, what's going on here?
Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, lrene P. I pulled her over on 95 for a broken tail light.
I ran a check. She's got an outstanding warrant in New York.
- Hit and run? - Hit and run.
Injured pedestrian signed the complaint.
Well, I think I might remember that. That is ridiculous.
I've never been in an accident. Not in my whole life.
Well, I've just gotten offthe phone with the New York State Patrol.
They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.
- Letook... How can we fix... - Were you in Massena last Friday?
Well, yeah, I live there. But I didn't have any accident.
I'm just driving down to Block lsland to see my sister.
You seem like a nice guy. Is there any way that you might let me handle this by mail or...
Unfortunately, Miss Waters, I'm not the one you have to convince.
If there's been a mistake, you have to clear it up in Massena.
What? Because of somebody else's mistake,
I have to get in my car and drive all the way back to upstate New York?
No, ma'am.
We'll have one of our troopers escort you.
Hey, Hollywood, turn your fuckin' phone off.
- Yeah? - You're an asshole.
Oh, hello, lrene. What'd I do now?
Letisten, I'm at a police station in Rhode lsland.
They're shipping me back to Massena on some bogus crap.
- Soundfamiliar? - I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about.
Dickie, cut the bullshit!
Letisten to me, OK?
It's over, Dickie. It's over.
So please just stop messing with me and call your friends and tell them to back off, OK?
Look, I'm being a straightshooter.
If you need help, I'll help you. Just give me all the details and I'll get to the bottom of it.
Massena, New York! Goddamn, Daddy! That's near Canada!
I know, I know. Wasn't my idea.
I gotta take this gal up north, and then the colonel ordered me to take a week's vacation.
A week's a long motherfuckin' time.
He wants me to rest while I'm getting used to the medication.
Oh, come on. You don't have to worry about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.
These two can do the shopping. I'll do the cooking.
You do the cooking? Man, you thought you got chipped beeffrom a toothy blowjob!
You're gonna have Shonté Junior down or under goddamn 400lb. Fuck that.
Can't have that happen. OK, guys.
I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules: no bitches after eleven.
- All right, Pops. - Yeah, man.
- Got you, Papa. - Letove you, Daddy!
So who the hell's this lrene honey anyway?
She worked for me the past two years.
I hired her to be my golf-course superintendent. We got close.
No, you got stupid!
For the love of shit, these are the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie! And me too!
- How much does she know? - She might have gotten wind of some things.
Yeah, well, we're gonna find out.
The complaint was signed by a guy named Peterson.
- He's with the EPA. - EPA? I thought they were in our pocket.
Well, not all of 'em.
Even though Charlie didn't wholeheartedly agree with the top brass,
he didas he was told.
- Careful on the road, Charlie. - OK, Colonel.
- Hang on, ma'am. - Yeah.
This vacation is just what Charlie needs.
I bet he's a new man when he gets back.
If we let him back.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean that he's become a pretty big liability.
We may have to let him go.
Letet him go? But, Captain, police work is Charlie's whole li...
I know, I know, damn it.
I know.
lfoundyou sittin' on a suitcase cryin'...
It's a great time ofyear to ride, as long as you don't mind one or two bugs.
llaugh outloud cos it's the one thinglhadn'tbeen tryin'
The train came in breathless
The passengers restless
She said "Baby, you'll never change"
You gotta getgoin', you gotta keep goin'
Hey, the worldain'tslowin' down
Forno one
It's a carnival callin' out to you
ltsounds like a song, it hits you like scripture...
Boy, you can't beat the open road!
Weren'tyou the kid whojust climbed on the merry-go-round?
Hey, look, the worldain'tslowin' down
Oh, no.
Oh, my goodness.
Jeez.
Those damn truckers.
You know, you think they'd call someone to come clean this up.
Poor thing. That's terrible.
By the looks of her, she's been here for a while.
Well, I doubt we're gonna be able to move her, but we should try.
You wanna get that end? Give it a push?
- Really? - Yeah, we should give it a shot.
- OK? - OK.
Go ahead. Just push as hard as you can.
Yeah, OK.
Jesus! Holy...
- OK... - It's still alive!
- Just stand back. I'll take care of it. - Oh, God! That's terrible.
Now, don't look, OK?
Well, old girl.
Your suffering's over.
Oh, itain'talways easy doing MotherNature's work.
- Do you believe that? - No, it's...
My God in heaven!
What is wrong with you?
Die!
Letet go! Letet go, girl!
On to greener pastures, come on. They're clear-cutting a place in heaven for ya.
Come on! Help me out!
- But... - Do something!
- I don't... - Letet go!
Letet go! Go!
Well,
that was tough, but...
I think we did the right thing.
Patrol car, yes. OK, thank you.
- Can I help you? - Baileygates, Rhode lsland State Police.
I have your prisoner, Miss lrene Waters, here.
- All right. I'll tell them you're here. - Okay-dee, ray-dee.
What are those for?
Oh, it's just this stupid thing.
I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel funny. No big deal.
What's it called?
Advance delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Does your ass feel numb?
No, but...
they give me unbelievable cottonmouth.
- I meant from the ride. - Oh. No, no.
Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Miss Waters, my name's Peterson. This is my partner, Agent Boshane.
We're with the Environmental Protection Agency's Special lnvestigations.
The EPA?
What'd I hit? A baldheaded eagle?
We'll explain that to you, ma'am, but right now we're gonna ask you to come with us.
Well, why don't you just explain it to me now?
We put your hit-and-run report out on the wire in order to track you down.
Track me down for what?
Agent Boshane?
I want to remind you again, our station's at your disposal.
You're welcome to use our interrogation rooms.
We appreciate it, Letieutenant Gerke, but we're all set.
Right. Well, ifthere's anything at all l...
Excuse me.
I'm just gonna...
get myself a drink ofwater.
So, if I could just get someone to sign this, I'll be on my way.
Yeah.
Well, Miss Waters, good luck. I hope everything works out great for you.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
I haven't done anything wrong and you know it.
What about the marijuana roaches you left when you moved out ofyour apartment?
So I smoked some pot. What is that, a crime?
As is being an accessory to bribery, embezzlement, tax evasion and racketeering.
- What are you talking about? - Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell?
His company, Cedar Creek Letimited, has been under investigation for 18 months.
How does that make me an accessory? I laid sod on Dickie's golf course. So what?
Tell me this. A big operation like the Cedar Creek Country Club.
- How'd you become the head greenskeeper? - By default.
This guy, Tedeschi or Tedesco, he was hired before me, but he died.
Heart problem or something.
The feds believed thatlrene knew more than she thoughtshe knew,
and herlife was in danger.
They explained that everything had been happening underhernose.
Payoffs ofgovernmentagencies, threats to those who stoodin the way.
And herpredecessor's heartattack? Well, that wasjust cold-bloodedmurder.
Oh, man!
Can you excuse me?
Pizza kid.
- How much? - That comes to $13.95.
Son of a bitch!
It was a good thing Charlie had toldher
he was staying at the Chuck E Cheese Lodge and Miniature GolfResort.
Charlie?
Irene finagled the keyfrom the front desk and letherselfin.
Charlie!
Charlie, what's going on here?
Irene?
Irene, I was just... I was gonna study your file
and try to find a loophole.
Did your lips get as chapped as mine on the ride down?
Never mind. I need your help. There was a shootout at the thing. The agents are dead!
- Dead? - Yeah. They were after me, Charlie!
Oh, God. This is Dickie's work. I know it!
So what are you gonna do?
- We'll call the police. - What? No, you can't do that!
Dickie has those guys in his back pocket. That's why I came to you.
Hey! This is serious shit!
You don't...
- I'm outta here. - Hey, wait! No, don't do that!
Come on, hold on. Just let me think for a second. OK?
Think someplace else. This is the first place they're gonna look.
Damn it!
So where are we going anyway?
You'll see.
Well, they went on the lam fora bit, and then Charlie made a couple ofphone calls.
Take it easy now.
- Charlie! - Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Hey.
- Good work, Baileygates. - Thanks.
- Sorry I had to meet you all the way out here. - That's OK.
It's just as well. Poor gal's paranoid.
My kids are like that. They have this idea that the cops are the bad guys...
Letisten, I don't know what's going on and I didn't tell the feds anything...
Dickie told me you were street-smart. Huh?
Why the hell would you run to this idiot?
Drop the gun, moron.
You're being video-taped.
- What're you talking about? - There's a camera on my bike.
Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?
Score. Good move.
Get in the car.
Come on, come on, come on.
D'you mind telling me what you were thinking?
Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!
Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetbeak.
The funky chicken was Charlie's dance.
I'm a tango man myself.
As you can imagine, there was some explaining to do.
So Hank, as he calledhimself,
found a quietspot and spelled out the whole darn mess.
OK, so what you're saying is that you're not Charlie.
You've seen Charlie in action. He's like origami: folds under pressure.
When the big game's on the line, he's busy riding the pine.
OK, wait. Can you just...?
It's simple.
Charlie's the mouse that got you into the maze. I'm the rat who can find the cheese.
The name's Hank. Hank Evans...
Forlittle girls
So it's true. Charlie is a schizo.
I wouldn't know. I stay out of his business, he stays out of mine.
Letook.
Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
I feel your fear. It's coming through like static on my heart radio.
Hank? Hank.
I really, really appreciate your help,
but is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?
No problem. While you're at it, why not climb that pole and take a piss on the power lines?
Letook, I'm not here to twist your niblets.
I'm here to save your life, but if I'm gonna do that, I'll need total uninononynymity.
OK.
Sound good, candypants?
Hank, don't call me that.
How the hell can they call Pluto a planet?
What motherfuckin' planet has an elliptical orbit? This shit don't make sense.
Motherfucker! That motherfucker Vince Foster was murdered. I told you that shit!
Hey, man, quit hackin' into them goddamn Pentagon files.
Ain't no nevermind who them crooked politicians be killin'. You need to study.
- What did Daddy tell you about snoopin'? - Shit, yeah.
If you keep fuckin' around, you'll lose your Yale scholarship.
Be stuck up there at Stanford with them goddamn motherfuckers.
Motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SAT.
- Motherfucker, you know I had the flu. - Flu, my ass!
You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430.
Hey, you talkin' some shit now.
That's probably one ofthem lvy Leteague sons of bitches now.
Show me yo' ass head up and get the door, man.
Hey, Captain.
- Fellas. - What the fuck is goin' on, man?
- This is Agent Annicelli. - Gentlemen.
- What's happenin'? - We've got a problem.
Pack your bags.
- We're locked and loaded. - Great.
Got enough stuffto hold us over for 72 hours.
Well, fuck my ozone.
We're gonna rockyou
Hey, ringworm.
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, you toxic waste of life.
You gonna pick up that butt?
Or do I have to glue it to my shoe and stick it in your pimply a-hole?
Hey, man. Take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Oh, yeah?
Well, this is just a fist, but when I throw it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Letet's dance.
- Letet's kick the shit out ofthis crazy asshole! - Wait, he's a schizo!
What the hell's wrong with him?
What happened anyway?
Yeah, Charlie was taking a fewlumps on account ofHank's behaviour.
But, save fora little bloodin the urine, he was no worse for the wear.
I'm sorry you had to meet Hank, Miss Waters.
I thought I was bad.
That guy has some serious problems.
He did save our lives.
- Anyway, Hank had a good idea. He thinks... - You're gonna listen to Hank?
Come on, look what he did to me! What are you thinking? He's out of control.
You know what we should do? Find another department and tell them the whole story.
Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far Dickie's reach goes.
Then you know what?
I think it's time to call the best damn law enforcement agency in the country.
The Rhode lsland State Troopers!
Do you really think that the feds don't have some guy up there right now bugging calls?
They'd be on us in ten minutes. And they almost got me killed in the first place.
OK.
What was the genius's big plan?
He thinks that we should find a cabin and hide out for a while.
Oh, yeah? What about water and food and...
He already got supplies. They're in the trunk.
These are the supplies?
Well, he had a plan, all right.
That's it? That's all he got?
Oh, no. There's more.
A rope,
shovel,
bag of lime and some lawn darts.
This is Christine DiCarlo live from Clinton County, New York,
where the manhunt continues for Rhode lsland State Trooper Baileygates.
..responsible for the death of an EPA agent and the kidnapping of lrene Waters.
Bullshit! My daddy ain't killed nobody and he sure ain't kidnapped no bitch!
Your dad's sick, mentally. He's had a breakdown.
The important thing is we find him so nobody else gets hurt.
- Nobody's gonna get hurt. - Our daddy wouldn't hurt a motherfuckin' fly.
No, he goes after bigger game. We just got a report he put six bullets into a cow's head.
Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
OK, look, let's say he does have a problem - which he don't. He's been takin' pills.
- He left his pills in the hotel room. - That's where he left his sanity.
I've seen it first-hand. The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.
One thing I don't understand, Letieutenant.
If my daddy's such a scary-ass motherfucker, why'd you go by yourself?
Who the fuck are you? Sergeant York taking on the Germans yourself?
Your father's a police officer. He asked me to come alone.
- How was I to know he's a nutcase? - He ain't no fuckin' nutcase!
He may have delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage,
but he is a very gentle person.
Motherfucker robot! Motherfucker robot!
What's the fuss?
Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you had planned. I saw your so-called supplies.
That.
I wasn't gonnajust ram it home... though.
I was gonna lube it up
and ease it in there inch by inch like a gentleman.
I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Shovel and lime?
Thank you. I haven't laughed like that in a long time.
What's so funny?
- We're driving a hot carriage. - So?
That stuff belongs to the bad cop.
You think he was gonna take our dead bodies down to the station?
Irene decided theyshouldgo back to Rhode lsland, butHank hadan idea first.
Are you sure about this?
You kidding? Every oinker east ofthe Mississippi will be looking for this sled.
Safer to go mass transit.
Ready? On nine.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.
- Thanks for the kudos. - Sure.
- Glad we're finally on the same page. - Me, too.
- You OK? - Yes, I'm fine.
Thought you were going over the edge.
Thank you.
You know, I think you're a very special unit.
That's sweet.
I hope we can get to know each other better.
Yeah. Me too.
Do you swallow?
I get it. We'll go slow.
- Hey! - Yes?
You didn't happen to pick up a wallet on the dash, did you?
You're kidding, right?
So what's your tale? Where you from?
Oh, all over.
Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.
I'm originally from Texas. Middle-class neighbourhood.
But after school I moved to New York cos...
Letet me guess. Everybody said you were easy on the eyes, so you tried to become a model.
But in the Big Apple, they treated you like the worm, so you became an actress.
No, but...
But you can't get far without talent,
and the only bright lights you saw were the ones inside the fridge.
So you got a boob job and went looking for a rich man with a bum ticker
and waved a white flag in the face ofyour own self-loathing.
- How's my aim? - I never went to New York City.
I went to Cornell, then I got my master's in Turf Management at U-Mass.
Then I became a golf-course superintendent.
- And these are all mine. - I notice you left out your eating disorder.
- I don't have an eating disorder. - Whatever, slim.
Hands off, Hank.
Mom!
That's real nice, Hank. Way to keep a low profile.
It's survival at this point.
Hey, I know how to score some dough.
- Punch me. - What?
- Punch me in the face. - Why?
I'll tell the big cheese I got rolled in the parking lot.
He'll hush me with some Benjamins. They don't need that kind of ink.
Come on, rip my head off.
- That's really lame, Hank. - You have a better idea? Come on!
- It's not gonna work. - Yes, it is, but you gotta rock me.
Don't give me a girly "l don't want to break a fingernail" tap.
This guy's gotta look at my face and just...
Well, the kick in the chops didn't work outas planned.
Itjustleft Charlie a little more roughed up.
How's the nose feeling?
Letisten to it.
- I'm really sorry, Charlie. - I'll get over it.
I mean, you should be furious. I just drop-kicked you right in the face.
Hey, it happens.
You got a great way of looking at life, Charlie. You know that? That's a gift.
Yeah, I don't know if my shrinks would agree. They think that's my problem.
What?
That I purposely distort my perceptions to make my reality more palatable.
Letike you only hear what you wanna hear?
Thanks. I like to keep it short, especially in the summer.
How come I couldn't have ended up with an easy-going guy like you, Charlie? Huh?
Sometimes I think there's something about my look thatjust attracts assholes.
That's crazy. You're a very special girl, lrene. Letook at you.
You're just so down-to-earth.
I mean, look at your hair. It's like you don't give a damn.
And you let your skin hang out, blemishes an' all. You're not afraid ofyour flaws.
Your face is all pursed up like you just sucked on a lemon,
but you pull it off!
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.
Come on!
- I don't know if I can! - Yes, you can!
Humans only use 10% oftheir potential!
You gotta reach down for that little extra something!
There you go!
Now you're gettin' it!
I believe in you!
Don't you give up on me now!
Easier than I thought! Come on!
Go, Charlie. Go! You can do it!
Come on, Charlie!
Use more ofyour potential!
Come on, Charlie! Go!
Jump off!
- What? - Jump off!
What?
Jump offthe train!